Before getting into it, it’s worth being clear about this: this entire text was born out of reading The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*. Not because it’s a revelatory book in any mystical sense, but because it forced me to stop, to review how I make decisions, and above all, which values I’m actually prioritizing, not the ones I say I have.

I liked it because it doesn’t sell easy solutions, because it puts the focus on the cost of living a certain way, and because it gives responsibility back to you: you’re not a victim of what happens to you, but of what you value. It’s not a perfect book, nor does it pretend to be, but it’s honest enough to make you think. And on top of that, I found it entertaining. That’s why I recommend it. What follows is, in large part, the sediment this reading left behind.

Values: what really guides you when autopilot fails

Many people live —myself included— with routines and with autopilot switched on. We think, decide, and act in fairly automated ways. Days, months, years. Without stopping too often to question why we do what we do or where it’s taking us.

This can go on for a long time. Until a certain life moment arrives —in my case, the famous “crisis of the thirties,” if such a thing even exists— when something creaks loudly enough to force you to stop.

And then questions appear that aren’t comfortable, but are unavoidable:

• Why have I ended up where I am?
• Why have people who followed paths very similar to mine ended up in such different places?
• Why are there people who don’t prioritize things that, for me, are absolutely vital?
• And why do I myself tolerate situations that, rationally, I’d say don’t fit with what I want?

This is where I think the value system comes into play, among many other factors I wouldn’t know how to list because I’m not wise enough to do so.

A system that usually isn’t conscious, that doesn’t make noise, that doesn’t ask for permission. But it’s there. Always. Operating from the shadows.

Values have been the real engines:

they’ve caused conflicts, pushed toward successes, given strength when it was time to persist, and also decided when the mind had to stop and say: this fight no longer represents me.

You don’t decide only with your head. You decide with the values you already carry within you, whether you like them or not.

What a value is (and what it isn’t)

Here it’s worth stopping for a moment, because one of the main sources of confusion lies here.

• A value is not a desire.
• A value is not a goal.
• A value is not an emotional state.

These are not values: happiness, success, calm, inner peace, love… All of these are states you want to reach or end results. But they don’t help you decide what to do when things get complicated.

A value is something else: it’s a concrete way of acting, a way of deciding and living that accepts consequences.

A value always implies a cost. It generates conflict. It forces you to give something up.

If a “value” doesn’t make you lose anything, it’s not a value. It’s a slogan, a pretty label, or well-packaged self-deception.

This idea appears very clearly in The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fck*. The book has a provocative tone, but its real core —what makes it interesting— is precisely this: values.

You don’t discover your values by thinking about them. You recognize them by observing how you decide when there is a real cost. Or put another way: you are not what you say you value, you are what you value when deciding costs you something.

The book illustrates this with two almost symmetrical examples. On one hand, the drummer of The Beatles, who left the band in its early days and apparently “failed.” On the other, the guitarist expelled from Metallica, who forms a new band and achieves success, money, and recognition by social standards. The result is paradoxical: the first ends up accepting his situation and finding a satisfying life; the second, despite external success, lives bitter, frustrated, and resentful.

The lesson is clear: the same objective situation can lead to radically different lives depending on the values used to interpret and face it. One climbs out of the hole. The other settles into it. For me, this was the key takeaway of the book —the moment that really opened my eyes.

Why becoming aware of your values can change things (without changing everything)

Here’s an important idea: working on your values doesn’t require making big external changes. You don’t need to quit your job, change cities, or make dramatic life pivots.

Sometimes, it’s enough to make conscious what is already governing you. Planting the seed of awareness alone can have effects. Slowly, the subconscious starts adjusting parameters: what you accept, what you tolerate, what you let slide, and what you no longer do.

Something less pleasant —but necessary— can also happen: realizing that some values that have driven you so far may also be the very ones that are hurting you.

And over time —not quickly— this can bring you closer to a certain internal coherence. Or, in more nerdy terms: hacking yourself so that your deepest self increasingly points toward your deepest goals.

How to discover your values

Values aren’t discovered by thinking about who you’d like to be. They’re discovered by looking at who you already are.

Below are four exercises, arranged as successive filters. If you do them properly, with concrete examples and without self-deception, you end up with your current values, not the ones that look good on paper.

Exercise 1: look at your track record

This exercise is key because it avoids self-deception.

1) Where have you invested time and energy despite difficulty? What do you keep doing even though it’s slow, frustrating, or unrewarded?

Investing time and energy without immediate reward signals commitment. This is where lived values appear, not aspirational ones.

2) What conflicts do you repeat over and over? What consistently bothers you is not random. It often touches a sensitive value.

What you defend in a conflict is often a wounded value.

3) What makes you feel proud even if no one sees it? Actions you’d still take even without money, recognition, or status.

This is where internal values tend to surface, not imposed ones.

Exercise 2: the price to pay

Complete this sentence honestly:

I am willing to suffer / give up / complicate my life for ________.

You can’t put “being happy,” “feeling good,” or “having peace.” Those are desired states, not decision criteria.

The blank must be filled with concrete and demanding things, for example:

• deeply learning a discipline
• doing things properly even if it’s slower
• telling the truth even if it complicates relationships
• building something solid over the long term

Without a price, there is no value. Only good intentions.

Exercise 3: strategic reduction

After this, you’ll probably have a long list. That’s normal. The problem is that too many values don’t help you decide.

If everything is important, nothing is a priority. This is where you choose and narrow it down to 3–5 values.

Why so few?

• because values are meant to guide decisions under pressure
• because you can’t honor everything at once
• because when two values clash, you need to know which one weighs more

Limiting yourself to 3–5 values forces you to define what you’re willing to sacrifice when you can’t have everything. Obviously, you can have more, but you probably won’t be able to prioritize them all at the same time. Speaking from personal experience, this creates headaches and internal short circuits. Better to keep it KISS —or at least be aware of where you place the weight.

A useful value must be operational, not decorative. For example:

• “Honesty” is too generic. Whereas:
• “Telling the truth even if I lose comfort or advantages” draws a clear line.

Exercise 4: the final filter

A value is only solid if:

• it helps you say NO
• it makes you accept consequences
• it simplifies hard decisions

Final validation question:

If I truly live this, what do I lose?

If the answer is “nothing,” discard it.

A value with no associated loss is just a pretty label.

Closing

Once you’ve done these exercises —few, but demanding— you should be able to see much more clearly what your current values actually are.

Not the ideal ones. Not the ones that sound good. But the ones you are already willing to pay for.

And this is where, without grand promises, something important starts to change: not because life becomes easy, but because, at the very least, you stop fighting yourself.

And having said all this, it’s early January. Many of us come from making (or trying to make) the classic 2026 resolutions: eating better, exercising more, quitting bad habits, starting projects, becoming “better versions” of ourselves.

Maybe, before adding more goals to the list, it’s worth pausing for a moment and asking ourselves where we’re setting them from. Having clear values doesn’t guarantee you’ll achieve any resolution, but it does prevent you from piling up frustrations without understanding why.

If this text helps even one person reconsider what they’re willing to pay for —and what they’re no longer willing to— then I’ve already done my small part to help us all be a bit better in the head. And given the times we’re living in, that’s no small thing.

Happy New Year.